I once believed the BDSM community to be an environment made safe by consent, respect and self-regulation but in light of experience that view seems to be naive or, at least, optimistic. The more people I speak to, the more I realise it is a hot-bed of abuse and consent violations. I suppose one shouldn’t be surprised to find it a magnet for those who seek a safe environment to exercise their societally unacceptable or delusional behaviour given the nature of our game.
Pathological sadism can be passed off as “…the whip in love, not given lightly” as Lou Reed puts it in Severin. Grandiose titles and behaviour are de rigeur in D/s, often giving rise to ‘Dominitis’. This is where dominants are deluded into expecting even those outside their fantasy to treat them like deity. When gentle limit pushing is often the name of the game, it gives a range of standard excuses to exceed limits: “Limits are there to be pushed”, “You are not a real submissive if you don’t xyz”, “It’s to test your loyalty/love” etc. This combined with subs who might be desperate for attention due to low self-esteem, lack proper negotiation skills, want to become famous as a bondage model or best the best sub on the block, newbies naively following orders and over-anxious to please or simply afraid to say “No!” to their lord and master makes for very muddy waters. As in other areas in life, abusers will often seek out positions of power and authority in the community make their position more unassailable and hold their victims in greater awe. Once they have their side-kicks to leap to their defence and often some means of veto like exclusion from an organisation and activities or silencing their detractors on-line by post deletions, closing threads or banning, their influence increases.
Abusers know they are as safe as houses because very few victims will complain and, if they do, excuses abound and it is likely no witnesses will have been present. Furthermore, the culture of silence means that public naming and shaming is rare. Often the abusers friends or fans will close ranks either spontaneously or as a well co-ordinated and practiced defence maneuver. The victim will all too often find the tables turned with a cyber-lynch mob shouting “Due process” and saying forums should not be judge and jury. Of course, in reality, they are not a court of law, although one’s peers and equals might pass moral judgement, no sentence of legal consequence can be passed. Sadly, this is frequently backfires against the victim who might be branded a lying vengeful ex, especially if it is an one-off public complaint, as can be seen in this thread (https://fetlife.com/groups/122055/group_posts/7251263). It takes a lot of courage to take this risk of suffering these slings and arrows. It is not something I imagine anyone would expose themselves to lightly or vexatiously. On the other hand, the falsely accused are protected by this and by the laws of libel with a far lower burden of proof.
Unfortunately, an impossibly high burden of proof is the reason so few vanilla rape victims go to law. They know a cunning defence lawyer will use every apologist’s trick to show “they were asking for it” and “wanted it really”. They will force them to painfully and publicly re-live the experience in every detail which can be worse than the original violation. If a low cut blouse or a short skirt is deemed provocation, imagine the scenario if one is naked or in fetish wear tied up in the accused’s home or a BDSM club, if one has consented to spanking but not a bloody flaying with a single tail or agreed to some degree of D/s for not 24/7 slavery and mind control.
If the abuse has been psychological, it is well-nigh impossible to prove as it leaves no physical scars or forensic evidence, although the damage and sense of violation can be far worse. One might willingly engage in mind games, since the brain is said to be the biggest erogenous zone, however this does not mean consent to the annihilation of one’s self-esteem. Self-esteem is an essential human need that is vital for survival and normal, healthy development (http://psychology.about.com/od/sindex/f/what-is-self-esteem.htm). The operative expression here is mind ‘games’. ‘Games’ are played between consenting individuals, within their context, having a clear beginning, end and after-care. There is a big difference between this and unrelenting calculated destruction. Whilst in no way playing down rape, the actual act is generally a short experience but mental abuse can be death by a thousand cuts over months, years or even decades. Unfortunately, Nina has first-hand experience of a multiple rape incident (years prior to meeting Wildties) and mental abuse within their relationship, so can compare both. She can only tell of her experiences and stresses that these and their degree of emotional trauma will be different in every person. In her case, she found the former far easier with which to come to terms and put behind her than her experiences at Wildties’ hands. As an indication of the seriousness with which mental abuse is regarded, it has recently been criminalised in the UK with sentences of up to 5 years imprisonment.
I am writing this article which illustrates these problems for several reasons. Although this is largely the story of my partner, Nina Russ who suffered an one year abusive relationship with Riccardo Wildies, I am telling it as English is my first language and am therefore better able to word it. From my own point of view, I wish to not only support her but also all the silent victims too afraid to have a voice. Finally, I have an extremely visible platform where I can speak the truth without censorship when the need arises. Unfortunately or fortunately, that time has come. Things unsaid publicly need to be said and some eggs inevitably must get broken when making this omelette. So here, I will tell the full story.
At first, it had been hoped that the matter of Riccardo Wildties being invited LFRA could have been dealt with privately in a quietly civilised manner, rather than as it did on-line. We had previously excluded him from LFAJRB due to allegations of mental and/or physical abuse from two victims who were attending. WykD-Dave and Clover Brook, now LFRA organisers, were aware of the reasons at the time as I have correspondence detailing this. However, they chose to ride rough-shod over this decision and ignore previous complaints by starring him at this year’s LFRA, LFRAJB’s much awaited phoenix. They then proceeded to ignore or rebuff new formal complaints and malign the complainants. They even blatantly deny having received multiple complaints here|:
“Having gathered all the information available to us, all references regarding this performer’s professionalism and ability have been returned positively. There have been no concerns or risks raised regarding this performer’s participation at The LFRA”
Some folk seem to think this furor is about the Festival itself or due to some jealousy over not being involved. Far from it. I am fully supportive of the event and its continuation. After all, ever since the last LFAJRB, when I retired after 5 years organising, I have been urging others to take up the reins. I was delighted that somebody finally did take over as I was beginning to worry it might never return from its time off. No, it was simultaneously overturning the ban and their big show of instigating a vetting procedure with convenient loopholes that was something of a red rag to a bull. From the start, formal complaints were mishandled appallingly and those responsible dodged the issue. The final straws were refusing to give any seriousness to valid complaints, personal attacks and then accusations of harassment, the childish Twitter identity theft and an out of the blue Facebook ban. Maybe the last two were just an unconnected coincidence? Who knows?
It all started some months ago after Zahara of LFRA approached me for a reference on another performer. I gladly provided said reference, whilst pointing out the fallibility of self-selected references. Unfortunately, the communications were somewhat frosty from the start and exacerbated by the accidental initial failure of my reference to be received first time around (Mea culpa: I hit the wrong Submit button). Fortunately, Clover and I sorted this out quickly when the mistake was realised.
To address the obvious failings of self-selected references, I started a thread on Fetlife called ‘Performer vetting in action’ (https://fetlife.com/groups/122055/group_posts/7251263) which called for general examination of vetting procedures and suggestions for improving on this method. Let’s face it, Satan personified could find three glowing references!
The debate started to get more specific when Clover said references from ex-partners would be too biased to be considered (very convenient under the circumstances) and she requested that we “…contact us to discuss outside of a forum.” “… if we have an abuser on our stage“. We immediately submitted a complaint with allegations privately but she ignored this for a week and a half until I chased her, with a follow-up post: “Oddly, I don’t even have an acknowledgement since doing so. Did you get it? Have you contacted the last 3-4 models after getting this heads-up? I’d had (typo: hate) to think this sort of thing got brushed under the carpet simply because it’s inconvenient.”
Nina’s complaint comprised multiple claims of assault, acts of excessive sadism under the guise of BDSM, relentless psychological manipulation calculated to destroy her self-esteem and attempting to move the relationship non-consensually from a ‘game’ to 24/7 slavery. Whether Red Sabbath succumbed to being convinced she is worthless and thus lucky to have him or she has found her dream is a matter for conjecture but it was certainly towards the former that Nina felt she was being manipulated. Fortunately, she came to her senses before losing herself.
Whilst, almost everyone has the odd bitter ending and often it’s 50/50 with each party being accepting blame. This was never a luxury Nina felt had been afforded in her relationship with Wildties and his self-styled “partner in crime”, Red Sabbath ; Nina was always the one to be blamed 100% with never any responsibility on the other side. Yes, we all make mistakes but surely it is a different matter if the same story keeps repeating or one side never accepts an responsibility? Some people are on good terms with most of their ex’s, both Nina and I fall in that category. Others always seem to always crash and burn with ensuing vendetttas, accusations or shunning.
The response to this private complaint to Clover Brook was that Nina should “Go to the f-ing police” as it was only her word as a “crazy ex” against his. She seemed to forget why we agreed to veto her invitation to Wildties at LFAJRB previously. Nina’s response was to name Wildties on the thread on the basis that he could go to the law if her claims were untrue. Her style of ‘victim support’ seems hypocritically at odds with the effusive post which appeared a few days ago on her Kinky Clover blog (http://kinkyclover.com/abuse-support/), entitled ‘Abuse Support’. It would be nice if she practiced what she preached and accorded some respect and sympathy towards victims. One would expect as a standard of normal behaviour that one should at least start by giving each party equal credibility, support and help. I’m stunned and disgusted that in this case, it seems that Nina was never even been given the benefit of the doubt and has not only been immediately dismissed as a liar but deliberate attempts have been made to discredit her.
This is part of a message that I sent to Clover. I have removed the latter half as I do not wish to repeat her libels nor name an important witness who has yet speak out:
“Gary tells me you are taking this very personally and I’m very sorry to hear that. This is not about you and have no wish to upset you. I happen to like you and Mr Grumpy too.
Given that Riccardo was vetoed from the last festival after you invited him without consultation and the reasons for not inviting him were discussed openly with all concerned, it was somewhat inflammatory to invite him this year whilst reassuring people with your vetting procedure. Why invite somebody under the cloud of abuse accusations from multiple sources and who you said had an accident caused by suspending with 4mm rope (in writing from Dave). Unfortunately, the way this has been handled has been also somewhat antagonistic. Ignoring the specific complaint, that you publicly requested, for 9 days didn’t help, nor did you and Zahara blocking me on Facebook when I raised my concerns privately. Maybe I should have phoned given that email is fraught with problems but I’m not sure it would have been much different.
The last thing I wish to do is to undermine the event. Why should I? After 2 years of trying to encourage others, both face to face and on Fetlife, to take up the baton, I’m delighted that you have finally done so. Why would I feel otherwise especially since it was us who involved you with the organization in the first place?!
I’m sorry to hear you had to “fight” for our guest-list places. Who were you fighting other than JackWhipper and Zahara (www.jackandzahara.co.uk/)*? It seems rather at odds with Gary telling me we were to be guests of honour! Anyway, in light of the latest, I think it is now very unlikely I’ll take up the offer.
Anyway, back to your last mail. When a victim makes a complaint, it should not be turned into an attack on them. This is like the prosecution suggesting a victim was “asking for it” or was falsely crying rape. I thought you’d be the last person to sink to this.
As you know, Riccardo is persona non grata with Nina, xxx and I. You need to ask yourself why he seems to be the only one of their ex’s that, so many years on, still attracts so much bile. I know Nina regularly chats with ex’s stretching back years and still meets them when the chance arises. What makes him so different? Why was Nina prepared to uproot herself from the country that had been her home for the last 10 years so precipitously?”
* Changed from first names to scene names after threats of physical assault, including a colourful offer of new anus.
Wildties countered Nina’s naming him her abuser by asking why we had had him on stage at BOUND. Yes, we did invite him to perform. However, at that point Nina was trying to be professional by keeping her personal feelings and her recognition of his rigging skills separate. Thence far, she only had her own experiences to go on so was giving him the benefit of the doubt as she had not yet heard the stories of other partners. Frustratingly, she was unable to warn any of the inevitable train wreck for fear of appearing to act out of sour grapes. After all, Nina didn’t even take heed of her own misgivings when she was involved, so why would anyone listen to an ex?
Nina tells me that the warning bells rang after the first month when she saw Wildties, in her words, “nearly break Red Sabbath’s wrist” during a drunken rage. She ran from the poly relationship but naively allowed them both to convince her to return after a month of relentless persuasion. The relationship lasted a further year until he became very threatening, uncaring, one-sided in his demands, aggressive and coercive . Due to his ad hominem attacks, including downright lies, she found her position very difficult in the Rome BDSM community which became a major impetus to leave Italy and come to London. Corroboration of this pressure can be found in this Fetlife thread from stephano_birdofprey (https://fetlife.com/groups/122055/group_posts/7251263?page=3#group_post_comments_container) Since, she has had her suspicions confirmed by hearing of similar patterns in ensuing relationships.
His partner/co-performer at the previously mentioned BOUND event recently assured us, when the time is right, that she will confirm publicly what she has told us in great depth privately, in the presence of independent witnesses, of her experiences in that relationship, which were even more extreme than Nina’s and that left her emotionally devastated and doubting her own sanity.
During this time, Clover has made libellous statements calculated to discredit Nina both as a rigger and as a reliable witness. In order to assess the situation and credibility fairly, Nina has said she would welcome a formal psychological evaluation of herself and her abuser. After being asked to retract or justify her statements, we were blocked and Clover removed her profile from Facebook along with the libels therein. I suppose that is one way to avoid the responsibility of issue and try to dispose of some of the evidence.
My response was to write to her formally under her legal name to once again request a retraction and apology. Furthermore, I asked her to tell me privately how she now planned to handle the second statement from an abuse victim forwarded by a member of SCA (Share Care Act). She ignored my letter (shown below), thus failing to address the issue of a second written complaint from an another victim or to justify any of her libellous statements.
The only response was, I presume, the ‘Update’ post on Fetlife (https://fetlife.com/groups/122012/group_posts/7784510) announcing Clover had resigned as an organiser and WykD-Dave had “scaled back his own involvement”, then countering by with an attack claiming harassment and withdrawing the guest-list places for Nina and I. So, once again they conveniently abdicating further responsibility and avoided the issue.
I cannot see how privately providing the requested written complaint according to their stated procedures and politely following up on a further statement from another victim, when the first was deemed insufficient, constitutes “harassment”. Unbelievably, the LFRA organisers do not seem prepared to take these reports seriously and have been downright hostile to the complainants. Their response and lack of meaningful dialogue, the hypocrisy demonstrated in Clover’s ‘Abuse Support’ article and the personal harassment that I received since have been a major impetus in making this story public. It is regrettable that this has been handled so poorly and it has been necessary to write this article Although, much of this is a matter of public record any way, I hope this articles that we have politely complied with LFRA organisers’ requirements and approached the matter in a reasonable and formal manner.
Too long has there been a conspiracy of silence, on-line censorship and many ‘grey areas’ that abusers can use to fudge the facts. It seems the vanilla world has moved into a new era with a number of key figures being prosecuted or outed for abuse, albeit of a more serious nature. It seems that, finally, fertile hunting grounds like the church, boarding schools and children’s entertainment are being cleansed so maybe there’s hope for the BDSM scene. I hear too many tales of BDSM being used as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour and of consent violations not to know something needs to change. It is not something I can in conscience remain silent about.
Oddly, within days of my letter, I suffered my first Facebook ban in years, for what I know not, since I tend to play by the rules, albeit only just. Simultaneously, a fake Twitter profile appeared (@TheRealEsinem) making inane and offensive comments, something that has never happened previously. A coincidence possibly but you must draw your own conclusions as to whether it is the final acts of a rat in a corner. Nina tells me that during her relationship with Wildties, he reported his detractors and competitors on Facebook etc., used Red Sabbath’s account for this and as a sock puppet and encouraged others to make play his game, so there is evidence of a typical modus operandi. Interestingly, @kinkyclover numbers amongst this profile’s few followers. If Wildties is behind this identity theft, the Tweets indicating hatred and disrespect for women seem to reflect his own self-confessed misogyny. Make of that what you will.
What do we want from all this? It’s hard to say. Nina mainly wants the truth to be known and to not be doubted , discredited or maligned. She is also very disappointed to see the previous ban flouted and its reasons be caste aside, especially in the light of yet another formal complaint and a big song and dance about a so-called vetting procedure.
At least, this should provide a cautionary tale to others, draw attention to such problems and help victims have the courage to break the silence. In most cases I don’t think abusers are inherently evil; to me, it seems more likely they need help rather than the might of the law or ostracisation. The first and hardest step to recovery is recognising the problem, the next is addressing it. I’m not psychiatrically qualified but could Narcissistic Personality Disorder be a factor in cases like this? Certainly, in this instance, a number of those involved find a lot of the symptoms familiar but that’s a long way from a clinical diagnosis. However, professional analysis might be revealing in one who claims to greatly admire his father’s misogyny and professes a commitment to emulate it. Indeed, if Wildities is behind the fake profile, some of the Tweets like “I hate my girlfriend” and “…fucked her like the dog she is” would seem to reflect such feelings. Where there is an underlying psychological problem, it is as much, sometimes more, the abuser who requires professional help. It is always the victim who gets the support, even if only via close friends or family, too often the abuser never gets this so no healing takes place and the pattern is repeated.
In one respect, the story has a happy ending since both Nina and at least one subsequent victim were assured by Wildties that they would be nothing without him, yet both have gone on to prove him wrong by making names for themselves, initially as models and more recently as riggers and educators. Their success as riggers is even more exceptional for the fact that both operate with a weight/size disadvantage compared to almost every male performer. I’m damn sure I would be limited by performing with a model around 50% heavier than me. Bravo!
Co-authors Esinem & Nina Russ