I have long suspected that there is a dark and sinister, and not in a good way, side to our scene. I have heard too many stories about limits being pushed beyond what is acceptable, in some cases serially. It is a short step from gently extending limits to abuse or rape. Too often, this abuse seems to be facilitated with get-outs like “But limits are there to be pushed”, “That’s what you wanted/deserved”, “You’re not a true submissive if you don’t…” and the like or simply just engendering a feeling that they will be rejected/letting the side down etc. by non-compliance.
As in all walks of life, there are the needy and desperate to be accepted who are easily manipulated. However, the powerful dynamics of D/s and the techniques of enforcing compliance like protocol provide additional tools. Remember that protocol was born out of military discipline designed specifically to create unquestioning obedience even when this entails the morally abhorrent, e.g. killing people.
As Cynthia Payne wisely said “When a man’s balls are full, his mind is empty”. Unfortunately, this also appears to cloud judgement in some cases but is no excuse. Others might be more premeditated. Remember that “No!” means no regardless of whether it is said by a bottom, submissive or even slave. Never let fantasy status, on either side, cloud your judgement. We are dealing with real world issues here.
Abusers are abetted by the tendency for people to say nothing publicly for fear of being cast as the villain of the piece for speaking ill. Of course, with naming and shaming, there is always the risk of smears by those with an axe to grind. The flip-side is that victims complaints can be dismissed as sour grapes because of a split up, jealousies or because they didn’t make the grade as a submissive. The problem is that this ‘benefit of the doubt’ culture of silence means that they can get away with it for years.
In a survey by The National Coalition of Sexual Freedom (NCSF), it is claimed that “30% had had a prenegotiated limit violated. Those numbers are even worse than victim self-reports of rape in the general population; which the New York Times reports as about 20% based on a study supported by the National Institute of Justice.” Source
I should mention that the blog the survey info came from is very anti-scene for this and other reasons. However, it is far from anti-BDSM. I quote “I’m no outsider, BDSM as a culture really needs to die. That doesn’t mean people aren’t gonna get the chance to be kinky because, news flash, identifying with the BDSM community isn’t a requirement for enjoying fucking kinky sex. Ending the existence of the BDSM community as a culture won’t end how people who do BDSM (like, y’know, most sexual people on the planet) get into BDSM, and thinking that it does makes you a fascistic piece of shit who’s telling others how to fuck”.I hope such problems can be addressed without any attempts to throw the baby out with the bath water.
Problems for victims resorting to the law must be even more daunting than normal rape cases. If wearing a short skirt is “asking for it” in so many judges’ eyes, how will a typical play scenario be regarded? How many want every lurid detail of their kink described in court and possibly in the tabloids? What’s a jury going to make of it?
Is this another of those insolvable problems? Maybe, but the least we can do is air the subject. Acknowledging we have a problem is the first step. We need to help make sure that victims are supported and not made to feel they are to blame.