More than a decade and a half ago, I discovered the kink scene. Like many of us, I approached my first event, the Rubber Ball, with trepidation and excitement, not knowing what to expect ,but quickly ended up wondering why I hadn’t been to a kink event before. It was wonderful to meet people who weren’t the bizarre monsters portrayed by the tabloid papers but open-minded and intelligent folk sharing my interests. I felt immediately at home having found ‘my people’.
For some years, everything in the garden seemed rosy. There was a supportive community with rules and etiquette in place and an effective self-policing mechanism to ensure everyone’s safety. As time wore on, it became more and more obvious that this was largely a veneer. Below the surface, there was also an unspoken ugliness of consent violations, manipulation and coercion. Don’t get me wrong, the majority play by the rules and are entirely ethical, caring, lovely people.
However, like any environment where there is a ready supply of potential victims, it will be a magnet to those who seek to take advantage of them. It’s nothing new, we have seen it with paedophiles in the clergy, children’s entertainment and care homes. Typically, they seek out positions of power which make them almost unassailable as they can influence the media, silence or discredit their victims and play on their public credibility. In the UK, we have seen several recent convictions fitting this profile.
The BDSM world is no different. The modus operandi is very similar within the scene but, sadly, it provides a wealth of additional tools for the abuser. In fact, it offers so many that it is hard to know where to start.
I suppose one obvious difference is that BDSM allows consent to activities which, in any other situation, are undoubtedly abusive. Let’s face it, without consent, most of what we do would get you locked up for domestic abuse or worse. It’s a long time since non-consensually whipping partners and staff was acceptable! So, it’s obvious everything hinges on consent but this is where the lines become fuzzy. However, it is not as simple as negotiating everything or “No” means no.
There seems to be a culture emerging, especially in the US, of negotiating the spontaneity and surprise out of kink. I can see that if one asks before every action or pre-negotiates it, one is far more likely to avoid any misunderstandings. However, it can also take the excitement out of a scene if you have a very clear idea of exactly what will or won’t happen. It all becomes too safe and predictable. It’s like taking the ‘extreme’ out of an extreme sport.
This is producing its own backlash, judging by the positive comments on a piece written in response to NuitdeTokyo’s article about consent in Japan. To précis the original, submission in Japan seems far more unconditional. The deal is pretty much, if you agree to get tied, no holds are barred as you know what you are getting into. Simple.
This might seem exciting and, with the right person, undoubtedly is as hot as hell. Unfortunately, this is a far from ideal world and not everyone is the ‘right person’. One Japanese nawashi told us of how, in his “unreformed” days, he had delighted in hospitalising dozens of girls and, even now, how much he loves the sound of cracking joints and bones. On a more personal level, a good friend of mine is badly scarred from boiling water used on her in a Tokyo mistress bar session. I could go on…
It is for every individual to decide to which end of this spectrum they should lean and each situation will be different. The important thing is the right level of negotiation and how closely it is followed. However, this is all underpinned by how such consent is obtained. Consent is open to infinite manipulation and therein lies the rub. Salesmanship can become the art of obtaining consent.
The skilled abuser will engineer consent in the same way a good salesman will convince you that you need his product. We all fall for advertising and selling to a greater or lesser extent, regardless of strength of character, but BDSM is full of those who can easily be manipulated. Those who don’t fit the mainstream standards can find acceptance or even a fetish that extols them. For those who find acceptance through submission, the fear of not performing that role well can be a powerful incentive. How many submissives have been told “If you were a real sub, you would…” or that they must demonstrate their respect or subservience by doing xyz? How many capitulate unwillingly due to the fear of not qualifying as a real sub or being rejected?
Most of us are reluctant to safe-word unless we have to. For some, it’s a challenge and a show of strength or love. Porn video of sexy slut Gali Diva fucked by two strong guys. It’s easy to feel you have let yourself and your dom/me down if you crack and, anyway, the frissance of being a little out of our comfort zone. Unfortunately, for some, this compliance is out of fear or merely awe.
Far too often, I hear of instances where hard limits and safe-words have been ignored but it gets swept under the carpet. The reasons are myriad: “Who would believe me?”, “Well, we were both high/drunk”, “I don’t want to make a fuss”, “If it gets in the papers…”, “What if he gets off?”, “Well, I guess I didn’t say ‘No’”, “I didn’t expect ‘anything’ to be taken so literally”. How often have you heard the false bravado of “Oh, I don’t have limits”? I have a simple test for that: I find starting up my chainsaw always proves this to be a downright lie 😀
The manipulator will simultaneously sell the advantages of compliance whilst laying waste to the alternatives; carrot and stick, almost literally. It is a common ploy, like those inculcating followers into cults, to isolate and alienate the victim from friends and family controlling and monitoring their communications. This is all in the name of dominance and for personal development, of course, but it simply reinforces the dependency.
To enhance the effect, humiliation is often employed to foster low self-esteem. There is a big difference between humiliation play and a calculated destruction of the ego. After all, if you are genuinely convinced that your only worth is in pleasing your abuser and you are nothing without them, there is little room to negotiate. I suspect that such people only feel able to validate themselves by destroying others. I will leave it to the psychologists to determine whether this is because they feel their victims are worthless beside their own superiority or by destroying others they feel stronger
The whole ploy can be strengthened when the victim can be made to fall in love and also become convinced it is reciprocated. This provides the ultimate threat of the loss of that love and the requirement to prove it by whatever means necessary. The added advantage is being able to dismiss accusations, which will usually be made after the break-up, as falsely malicious.
Those with a position in the community have additional tools to ensure compliance. They often control events, forums etc.. This means that victims can be discredited and maligned, have their protests silenced by having threads closed, comments deleted or being banned and can be excluded from events. Such individuals will usually ensure they have a loyal pack of hounds who will come out in support and drown any unwelcome comments should they ever be called into question. The treat is virtually a BDSM ex-communication.
Unfortunately, many of the community’s protective mechanisms fail. For example, a sensible person takes references before playing with somebody new. Although, since birds of a feather tend to stick together it can be difficult to get reliable references.
The cloak of secrecy of the BDSM world can make any accountability hard to prove. It is pretty unlikely that you will have any witnesses to any real abuse as it is most likely to be in a private situation. It’s your word against theirs assuming you are prepared to have every detail of your sex life turned over in public. Then, there is a risk of collateral damage. Will you lose you job, reputation or custody of your children?
Whilst technically the police are being more open to abuse reports, there is still the matter of prosecution. Will a jury think you were “asking for it” agreeing to be naked and tied up agreeing to x but not y? How will they interpret it when your dom/mme quotes you agreeing to have “limits pushed”? Will a typical jury have any concept of the dynamics of BDSM?
The community actively discourages threads naming names and any ideas of databases of alleged abusers have been shot down in flames. The problem is precisely that , without a conviction. They will always be ‘alleged abusers’ as there is no due process.
I have no idea how matters can be improved, beyond creating better awareness. It would be great if there was a workable system that could help. Although, I hold little hope as that goal seems to have eluded the mainstream with ratings systems which are regularly criticised for being manipulated and selective. I wish I had an answer to how abusers can be exposed and avoided.
The difficulty is determining the motives as many of these techniques are double-edged swords which are used for positive means by a caring and ethical dom/me. It’s all down to intent. Ultimately, the bitter truth is we can only try to ensure our consent is not only fully informed but also willingly given without undue coercion.